Your Very Own Guide on How to Spot a Flake
You may have heard of the corn flake, snow flake, and even the notorious dandruff flake. But have you heard of the person variety of the flake? In case you haven’t, here are three ways to spot a flake:
1) You may ask this person a simple question: When are we going to hang out? A normal person would say, “Soon!!” And maybe add a, “Miss you!” In contrast, if you receive a response like the upcoming example—be leery—you just might be dealing with a flake: “I just don’t know. I have a lot going on, and so many of my friends are coming in town, and I have to hang out with them, and then there are some parties I have to go to; work is crazy; home is crazy (even though I don’t have any kids or a spouse); I need to clean behind my ears, dust between my toes, and then I will get back to you.” This is a typical flake (not even a complex flake) response. It is often saturated in a litany of meaningless drama. However, it is true that you may just be simply working with a hyper-anxiety-laden friend instead. If you are not certain, move on to Example 2.
2) If you don’t initiate contact with them, you will not hear from them for a long time. Then BOOM! There they are! They all of a sudden want to talk to you. They’ll give you all the bells and whistles of a decent, content-filled conversation, bring up fond memories, talk about the grand times y’all once had, make you forget that they haven’t been there the past few months when you lost your job, your dog ran away, and when that computer virus flared back up again—you know, all the ingredients of a border-line country song, maybe one sung with a harmonica, or a fiddle. But it’s OK, right! They are here now!
Then they’ll schedule a date or meeting time with you, and get you really happy to see your dear, old friend or flame again. Except wait. They didn’t really say for sure when. Sometime next week? You’ve heard that before, right? They may be coming to town? Aren’t you supposed to have purchased a ticket by now? Well, I mean, they could be one of the rare few who can afford a last-minute ticket in this economy, and I’m sure they’d splurge just for you! And they did bring up that one time where y’all had so much fun, and even you had forgotten about it, but they remembered! Gosh, they are so sentimental and considerate. Maybe this isn’t the makings of a flake, but instead, one of a very busy, yet thoughtful friend who only has time to come around once-in-a-blue-moon. If you are still unsure, I would move on to Example 3.
3) A Flake typically doesn’t respond to your messages unless you practically throw a tantrum. You may see yourself calling them and leaving a sweet message. When you receive no response, you may text them and say something like, “I haven’t heard from you in awhile! How are you?” Then after no response again, you may have to submit to sending that one-word question that is laced with an obvious annoyance and effectively conveys the “don’t-you-know-anything-about-social-niceties?” tone: “HELLO?” Then, once again, upon no elicited response from the party formerly or currently known as flake, you may find yourself resorting to the lowest form of attention solicitation (equal to a toddler biting you or throwing himself on the ground in the grocery store, screeching at the top of his lungs while simultaneously kicking frantically like a fish out of water, in front a crazy strangers, who now think YOU are crazy) by sending something like any of these: “Are we still friends???” “Do you hate me???” “Are you coming to town or what?” “Should I be holding my breath to hear from you??” “Just let me know so I can stop sending you these texts and spare myself a few years of carpel tunnel!! Thanks, FACE!!!”
After a few moments of realization, you will see how desperate you have become. And you may find yourself hating that person even more. Something that will really piss you off is that even after all that, they will not respond; yet, they still have the audacity to write some inside comment on a mutual friend’s Facebook wall— all on their own volition. That, ladies and gentleman, may be a clear sign that this person is a flake.
Or maybe they just got a new number, and they forget to tell you—you tell yourself. Maybe they did respond, and you never got the message—you may say. Or maybe, friends, you should wave the white flag and walk away because I am sure by now you have realized just what exactly you are dealing with, and there is no winning with a flake.