Today my boss got laid off. It should not have been her. It was depressing. Everyone left early. I stayed. I remember doing this sort of same thing after graduating from high school. After my last final, I stayed around. I soaked the past four years in. Played each memory like it was a scene in a movie or a page in a chapter that was part of some book in the making. It was a feeling filled with sadness that was happy. I was holding it all in until I knew I had to let go.
Today I am staying around because I do not want to let go. I do not want to move, and I want to stay numb. I do not want to do anything but sit and stay. Because as long as I sit and stay, today is still here. It will not be something that has happened. It will remain something that is happening. And I will keep feeling that I am not fine with how everything happened, and how things will be.
I do not want Monday to come, which is when we are probably supposed to be okay with everything that is not okay. When we are expected to work past the politics, the lack of care, and the contrived nature of everything here.
But it is inevitable that Monday will be here. Until then, I can sit and soak it in. I can feel the discomfort and the uneasiness. I can tell myself to remember why I feel it’s not right. And after Monday, all I can do is remind myself. So one day, when I am in a position to make a decision, I will have the outlook, the foresight, the introspective relationship with myself and my moral code, to do what is right. For everyone.