Part I: When things were not happening
Some of you have noticed that my posts have been different during these past few months. It is because I have experienced life like I never have..in a way where I finally feel like i am living. I am going to try to offer an explanation–or a little of my story– in hopes that it will help you or someone else. But, I will break it up in parts so I do not make a bore out of you and me both:
For a few years I harbored a feeling. A dragging feeling–like my life was on hold. And I was missing out. I would go to bed very late, hoping that if i stayed up long enough, something would somehow happen to captivate and inspire me. Something that would stir that feeling of life that I thought I had remembered once feeling. But it didn’t happen.
I would wake up exhausted and irritated. The days would be all-or-nothing– it didn’t matter either way. Because nothing was enough and everything was not. Because I could not explain why comfort was so discomforting. It kept me at a standstill. I was lost on an island that did not belong to me. There were so many moments that could have meant something. But I didn’t know how to make them my own.
I would try things–to achieve things– but my heart was never really invested. It didn’t know how. Also, I was in a relationship that did not grow. I kept thinking I was crazy to want out–it had been going on for so long. Things were better than what I had heard from others. Nothing was really bad. But I couldn’t get it to go to the next level. The level that would push both of us. Maybe because there was resistance. Maybe we didn’t know how. But I would sit and wait for a way to get there. Or a way out.
My friend told me that there are moments in a relationship. These moments are ones that tell you something is wrong. There were those moments in the relationship. When I knew I needed to move on. I would be sitting with him. Thinking, is this it? But I felt guilty. He was nice. He was sweet. So what if he didn’t want to dress up in costumes at a party if it wasn’t Halloween? Should that really be the deciding factor? If he is boring around your friends, and he doesn’t know how to meet/engage strangers at a party without first drinking? But, it wasn’t always the everything that went on. But it was what lingered in my head. They were those moments that screamed for something different. Those moments that if you lock away, will find their way back.
Maybe not all of those things should have been grounds for feeling so alone. But there were other things. And maybe they could have worked themselves out. Maybe we could have reevaluated. Asked for God’s intervention. But there was not any effort. There was no fight for survival. And when your soul is shrieking for an out, anything less than a heroic battle, will not survive.
So there I was. Caught in something that didn’t feel like anything.
I knew something needed to happen; I didn’t know how to make that happen. But somethings were on the horizon before I knew of them, and then they started happening.
Part II Soon.